Self Conclusion
by Faulty Cameras
Summary: Ryan was always saving Marissa's life. The only problem is, she no longer wanted to be saved. Written for the Fireplace July Challenge.


Disclaimer: I do not own any part of The OC.

A/N-This was written for The Fireplace July Challenge. The oneshot had to use a clichéd trend and end in a specific line. Thanks to Meg for editing!

* * *

She had thought about it before. She had thought about it a lot, throughout the whole year. With all of her problems, how could she have not thought about it?

It had never been a serious thought though. It was always there, always an option. She had never gotten to the last resort though.

Now, though, she was more than seriously considering it.

She ducked under the tape, wandering up the large cliff hanging up over the ocean. It had been taped off since she was 14 years old when a group of boys were playing around on it, one falling into the depths of the ocean.

That was exactly what she wanted to happen to her now.

She walked closer to the edge. Her hair was blowing everywhere, her tears washing the makeup off her face. She didn't know why she was upset about this all. She had nothing left to live for in her life.

She knew she was going to get kicked out of school for what she did to Trey. Harbor parents were not taking her actions as self-defense or as saving Ryan's life. They were finally going to be able to claim that she was crazy--something they had been trying to prove since she overdosed in Tijuana. Finally, they had their proof that she was unstable and could harm their precious children.

She didn't want to live to see the Newspie parents turn against her. Harbor, as horrible as it was, was the last thing that she had to live for. She didn't have anything in her life.

And it wasn't like she was doing her parents any help by getting kicked out of school for shooting Trey. She heard all the hushed conversations about not having money due to Caleb's will having yet to be read and she had heard even more about how no self-respecting school left in Newport was going to take her in.

She knew that she was an embarrassment to her friends now. Summer may hide it well, but she knew she held something against her for making her summer before senior year horrible. She knew Seth went along with whatever Summer told him, so he probably felt the same way as her. And Ryan…

She knew Ryan must be feeling something against her. After all, she had nearly killed his brother, his own flesh and blood. She knew it was only a matter of time before he broke it off with her, causing the last person she truly cared about to leave her forever.

So she had come to the self-conclusion that she was going to end it first, by ending her life.

She took a deep breath, taking a look over the edge of the cliff again. She couldn't help but feel her stomach drop at the thought of what she was about to do to herself.

She closed her eyes and started walking closer to the edge. She didn't want to see the depths that she was jumping into. It was better if she didn't look. She was just going to walk until she fell to her death.

"Marissa!"

She opened her eyes, realizing she was so close, so close to almost ending the pain and misery she was experiencing.

Ryan had to come and ruin it. In his eyes, of course, he was saving her. He was always saving someone.

This time he wasn't saving her though. He was doing the opposite.

"Marissa, stop."

She took several steps back to look at him. She wanted to see his face as she spoke.

"Ryan, go away."

"I'm not going to let you do anything."

"Ryan, please, just go," she cried. "I want to die tonight."

"Marissa." His voice was low and serious. She looked at him once again and saw that he was trying to mask his pain. "Don't do this."

"I can't." She shook her head. "I can't keep going on living. It's not easy for me anymore to be alive."

"Marissa." He was pleading with her now. He couldn't lose her. He couldn't lose another person from his life. "Listen. I know life has been anything but easy since…I came."

"It's not you, Ryan," she whispered, barely audible over the crashing of waves into rocks. "You had nothing to do with everything."

"I don't want to get into an argument right now about if I had an affect on everything. I want to make a point of saying we've worked through everything before. Why can't we do it this time?"

She shivered from the blowing night air. She didn't know what to say to him. They had worked through a lot together. This time she didn't want to. She didn't want him to try and talk her out of it.

"Go away, Ryan. You need to stop saving me."

"I can't help but save you, Marissa." He took a step closer to her.

He continued walking towards her. She didn't tell him to stop coming to her. She didn't move from her spot.

"I want you to save me." She said the words before she even realized what she was saying.

He continued walking to her, finally wrapping his arms around her. She started to sob into his shirt and clung to him.

He stayed and held her for as long as she needed him. He had a feeling that this one night wasn't going to be enough for her.

"Marissa, you have to promise me one thing." He needed to know that she wasn't going to try this again. He needed to know that she wasn't going to try and leave him again.

She pulled back to look at him, her eyes still wet with tears. She nodded her head, telling him to go on.

"You need to promise me that you won't try this again. Please."

"I promise," she responded after a moment's hesitation. She didn't want to make that promise, but she did. She had to let him believe that she was going to try again at life.

* * *

Marissa Cooper had always been one to break her promises.

This had been the thought that Ryan had in his head for the past two days. It had been two days of thinking only of her, two days of thinking of her broken promises.

It had been two days since he had found her dead.

He shuddered as the image of her lifeless body flashed before his eyes. He tried to get the image out of his head. He didn't want to think of her that way.

She had only made the promise to him a week ago. She had promised him that she wouldn't make another attempt on her life. She was supposed to keep that promise.

He looked around the dark pool house. He hadn't left since he had found her. He hadn't slept either. He had been living off coffee, a box of saltine crackers, and a bag of chocolate chips that he had found in the pool house.

He, at first, couldn't remember why these items were in there. Then he remembered a time when he and Marissa had been happy and nothing had affected their lives. Marissa had gone to the store to pick some things up for her mother, and had stopped by to see him before she went home. She stayed too long and in her rush to leave, forgot the bag. He had never returned it to her.

He poured himself another cup of coffee, stumbling in the dark. He didn't want to look at the pool house at all. Every last bit reminded him of her.

He hated himself so much at that moment, he didn't want to think of her. She had deserved better. He should have pushed himself harder, he should have tried more to help her. He should have been less involved in himself.

But he hadn't. He had not been there to help her, to allow her to not break his promise to her. He had thought she was going to be all right after that night.

He should have known how wrong he truly was.

He had to live everyday with her death, knowing that he could have done more to help her. He should have told her more that night, the last night he had been able to save her.

He wished he could go back and save her now.

There was a knock at the pool house door. He didn't want to open it up. He didn't want to see anyone at all.

"Ryan, open up. It's important." It was Seth. Of course it was Seth. He had been coming practically every hour on the dot, trying to get Ryan to talk.

"Go away, Seth."

He heard another voice along with Seth, though it was too low for him to understand what was being said. It become silent for a few minutes, before the door suddenly opened.

"How did you get in here?" he questioned.

Summer appeared from behind Seth. For a minute, Ryan didn't even recognize her. She looked…well, she looked like a mess. He had never seen Summer like this before--she was always so well kept.

Then he remembered--she had just lost her best friend, who she had known since she was a little girl. He had forgotten about how close she and Marissa had been. How could he have forgotten about that? Suddenly, he wished he had been able to save her, to stop her from breaking her promise. He wasn't the only one in pain. He should have been able to stop the pain.

"Bobby pins come in handy for more than just hair." Her voice was hollow as she responded. Something was missing from Summer now. He wondered if she was going to always act like this. He wondered if she was broken now.

Seth walked into the pool house now, wrapping his arm around Summer. He looked like he wanted to protect her from all that was going on.

Ryan wanted to tell him that he needed to be sure to hang on tightly to her.

"This came in the mail for you. It…you'll understand why I had Summer break in when you get it," Seth said. "And Mom really wants you to come out. We all do."

"Will you please, Ryan?" Summer questioned.

Ryan looked in Summer's eyes. He knew what she wanted--he was her last remaining link to Marissa. She wanted him to be okay, he could tell. He wanted the same for her. He just didn't know if either one was going to be okay.

Seth placed the package on the bed in front of Ryan. "Just think about dinner?"

Ryan didn't respond, he didn't even realize that Seth and Summer had left the pool house. He was looking at what Seth had just placed on his bed, at the return address.

It was from Marissa.

Hands shaking, he picked up the package, placing it in his lap. He stared at it for several minutes before slowly tearing the paper off of it. A box was now lying in his lap and he lifted the lid off. An envelope lay across the tissue paper. He picked it up, tearing it open to read what was inside.

_Ryan,_

_I'm sorry that it came to this. I couldn't go on any longer. I know what you said; I thought of the words you said to me. I couldn't keep going on living. As I write this, I'm dead on the inside. There's no point in continuing to live if I feel nothing on the inside._

_I'm sorry that I broke my promise to you. I never should have said that. I never should have promised. I knew it was going to happen. I knew that you had only derailed me for that moment. My mind was set--I said that to ease your pain._

_I suppose I didn't really ease any pain. I suppose I just made it harder to live with yourself. Knowing you, you're probably blaming yourself. You probably think that you could have tried harder, could have done more to save me. _

_You have to understand that the last thing I wanted was to be saved. _

_This was my self-conclusion. I came to the thought that the world is better off without me. I know that everyone probably has this thought at some point in their life. People say they do and that it goes away or that it's best to not act on it. I couldn't not act on it. It's how I felt. It was my conclusion and no one else's. _

_Thank you for giving me a chance, Ryan. Thank you for all the times we had together. Thank you for really loving me--for being the first person I really cared and loved. I know that I've made you go through a lot, but in the end, it will make you stronger. I know it will._

_Don't think that you need me to go on with your life. You need me to be nothing but a memory. _

_I love you, Ryan. I did from that first moment that I saw you in the car. I may not have known in then, but I did. It took me a while to realize it. _

_Thank you for helping me grow up and for loving me. I don't think that this letter truly justifies how much I truly felt for you--but hopefully, you knew how I felt all the times we were together. _

_I love you, Ryan Atwood. _

_Goodbye._

_--Marissa_

Ryan wiped the tears that had fallen from his eyes. He took a few deep breaths, trying to gain control of himself.

He was going to remember everything she wrote to him in the letter. He was going to try and take to heart all of what she had written. It was her dying wish. She didn't want him to blame himself. He knew it was going to be next to impossible for him to do, but he was going to try his hardest.

He knew he wasn't going to get over this all quickly. It was going to take him time. But she wanted him to and this letter was going to help him.

He looked at the letter again, noticing that there was a small note at the bottom.

_P.S-What's in the package is something that I found yesterday. It made me think of you and the one night that we spent together that meant more to me than anything else. I think that you need a permanent reminder. Sorry about the color of it. At least it will make you think of my humorous side for the rest of your life. Do you like it? (Not that I'll ever be able to hear the answer.)_

He laid the letter down next to him. He pushed the tissue paper aside in the box, wanting to see what she had sent him.

He smiled slightly, for the first time in a few days. It was a picture frame in the shape of a tiki hut. It contained a smiling, happy picture of the two. He remembered the day the picture was taken--how happy they had been.

He understood what she meant about her humorous side now that he was looking at it. The picture frame was, of all colors, pink. He shook his head at this. She knew how much he hated pink.

He looked at her words again. She hoped that he loved it. Of course he was going to love it…but…the whole color thing was ticking him off a little.

He closed his eyes, thinking of her. It was like he could feel her in the room with her. It was just like all the times that they had hung out in the pool house. He could feel her presence in the room. He didn't usually believe in these things but for some reason, it was like she was there. It was like she wanted to know if he liked it. He decided to answer it .

"Yes, but why in the world did you make it _pink_?"


End file.
